This is going to be like a movie with flashbacks as I am going to start this story at the end.
Today I was holding Aaron's hand as we walked to school. I do this to prevent him dawdling (i.e. stopping to look at snails or comment on every flower he sees in every front garden we pass). Interspersed with holding his hand I had my arm behind him, resting on his shoulders, shepherding him along. At one point he leaned on my arm, so he could walk along gazing at the sky. Right UP at the sky as if he was on a sun lounger.
I was JUST about to say: "Aaron you leaning on my arm is pulling on my tummy and remember Mummy is pregnant" but the vibe between us was so so mellow I hesitated a great deal before saying it and I am so very glad that I did.
Today is the first day we left the house with the curtains still closed. Today is the first day (actually second) that we had breakfast with them closed. It was a VERY dark morning. When we left we soon found out why. The sky was covered with dark clouds.
What Aaron discovered as he walked and lounged on my arm, was that blue sky was starting to litter the sky in a patchwork quilt kind of way and the dark clouds were now surrounding us, rather than above us. The beginning of what would be a lovely day was peeking through (although I just looked at bbc.co.uk/weather and it's meant to be raining right now - it's not though).
He said "Mummy look" and I couldn't believe how lovely it was to see the blue peeping through; a sight I'd not have seen without looking straight up, directly above me, something I would not have done, were it not for my son. He's ALWAYS spotting things that are WAY higher than his eyeline and I just don't know how he does it.
I always put it down to me having things on my mind, with him having the freedom to look around. It's just that his looking around is truly 360 degrees and I never want to forget that about him. My son's keen observation skills.
After commenting on the sky, when we both resumed our normal posture he casually said:
"Mummy I love the Earth"
He said it with such passion, yet very gently, as if he was talking about a feather that would blow off his palm if he said it with too much gusto.
I walked along for a while basking in the vibes that this innocence, love and pure joy had created and it was a while before our chitter chatter resumed.
A few weeks ago, we had two days where the walk to school was tough. Now, now that we've nailed it, I wouldn't give up our daily stroll for all the tea in China and trust me I love my tea.
This time to gel, to chat, to saunter along to school, is just as precious as the chat you can do at storytime in bed, if you go to bed early enough to allow time for that download. That's the time when Aaron gets things off his chest (good and bad) that have happened during the day. The stuff he tells me at night as he drifts to dreamtime is the stuff his subconscience wants to download but yet not via dreams. The stuff he wants to verbally throw away, as in, I've told Mummy now, so I don't need to retain it in my short term memory anymore. It's been banked with Mum; job done. She'll know what to do with the information.
One such convo, one such night, was "Mummy, I wish we did choosing time in Year 1" - he's not been finding Year 1 hard as the Teacher has been very very gentle in upping the workload from Reception. She is doing it by stealth so that by Christmas they'll be working smarter and harder with no idea how they slowly, ever so gently, got there. So I knew he'd never moan about the workload. So one night I had to promise that I would ask his Year 1 Teacher to introduce something akin to Reception's choosing time, with things to choose from that would be more suitable for their new age group. I forgot to ask her and imagine my surprise when come the end of the week they'd already been doing choosing time for a couple of days.
The thing is, once something is "out there" it gets dealt with. That's why it's always good to voice our dreams and wishes as then they become reality, as this has without me even getting involved and he is thrilled. Not to take glory for something I've not done, I've told him "it wasn't me" - he's not bothered, he's just thrilled to have his precious choosing time back.
At the outset of this post, I mentioned flashbacks and here is why...
At the beginning of July a friend received very bad news. Even without naming her, I still don't feel like I can go into it here, but it wasn't pleasant and was the beginning of a few tough months. That friend has a daughter in Aaron's class and an older son in the same school. Each and everytime she came round to discuss the problem Aaron was there and even more so once the schools broke up. We tried to speak in code and keep most of what we said for when he'd pop out of the room, but with what I know about energy (having been a yoga teacher for 6 years) I should have known that the weight of what we were discussing would weigh down ON us and pollute my home and that it did. Aaron had some tantrums in the Summer that were off the scale. They all had me in tears and one even had me getting very injured as I fell on the stairs one time chasing him. Due to my baby bump I landed on my knee instead of my tummy and had a bruise the size of a dinner plate that took about 6 weeks to go. I still cannot kneel on it properly.
Anyway as there were fun times mixed in with the few tantrums and as they were all behind closed doors I did not give them too much thought and didn't have a sense of urgency about them.
But when the same attitude that prompts the tantrums nearly caused us to be late for school 2 times (yep this timeline is now in September, from something that started in July) and only didn't as thanks be to God both of those days we'd left 10 minutes early, I knew something needed to change. Plus that behaviour happened on our road, on the pavement in P.U.B.L.I.C. - it wasn't even tantrums, it was just full on defiance. Oh, hang on, they were over and above a tantrum, I've missed a bit. A tantrum that happened, that went on for 40 minutes to an hour in front of the wrong person, on the second day of school, after school (not on school grounds). SO like a sandwich, the refusal to move, on a school morning, happened twice, once before and once after THAT incident. So it was start school Wednesday 2nd September and walk to school like an angelic child. Thursday 3rd September complain that shoes are tight (even though he overtightened them - long story) and therefore stand on our road refusing to move. Then got him to walk 100 metres (away from our road) he then walks in socks for about 400 metres, I then carry him (pregnant) for about 400 metres and he then walks the remainder of the way. SOMEHOW, by some miracle we are not late. Same day, after school the *devil child* incident happens, that scares me within an inch of my life as I do not recognise him (but it is his first time since July playing with the 2 kids I mentioned above and the incident starts as a result of them getting in the car) and Friday 4th September he again refuses to walk to school but again only does so, once we are on the pavement on our road. I am standing about 50 metres away, beckoning him. His defiance prompts tears in my eyes, when I get the idea to pray to St. Jude (in Ireland we call him the Saint of Hopeless Cases/Causes). Praying makes this calm descend over me and soothes me enough that I slowly creep towards him. Before praying I would have marched/stomped towards him and he would have ran off up our road (further from school, out of reach of pregnant me) but the prayer had given me the inner stillness to walk calmly with stealth towards him. I picked him up, in a scooping him up kind of way and he wrapped his arms around my neck and nuzzled into me. So I don't know what the defiance was about as all he wanted was
After about 300 metres I put him down and we calmy walked to school. I spent the next few hours thinking how VERY different it could have been if I had angrily marched towards him.
What you don't know dear reader is that two Jehovah's Witnesses visit me every week and have done for about a year. They came that Monday. I KNOW it was Monday as Aaron was off sick the remaining 4 days of that week and I know he was at school when they came.
Before we do some bible study we always chat for ages, just about life in general and I happened to mention the power of prayer. I explained the St Jude experience AND that I was 120 days that day (120 days as counted from the day of conception - a VERY special day in Kundalini Yoga) - I said I wanted to do 2 prayers with them. One to "heal" Aaron and the other to "welcome my new soul" as we believe in Kundalini that the 120th day is the day that the soul comes in, to the bump.
So we held hands the three of us and my dear Witness friend led the prayer. I had no idea that she was so eloquent. She was very thorough and it was very long. It was very personal, it was in layman's words, it was sincere, it was beautiful; I cried from start to finish. I felt my heart and my soul fill up.
Now, I have often had "absent healing" which is where someone in a different place geographically (same country or different) can heal you if you agree to work together and be still at an appointed time. My Aunt in Ireland has often done it for me, including the day I went into labour with Aaron. So I had EVERY FAITH that the prayer would effect Aaron even though he was a mile and a half away at school.
I collected him from school and he was GLOWING from the inside out with INNER LIGHT. He had an inner calm that I had not seen since early July. He was my boy once again.
The prayer had worked.
I was humbled and in awe of it, even though I had every belief and every faith that it WOULD indeed work.
And no, it wasn't how I treated him when I collected him. I deliberately just observed and didn't project ANYTHING.
I then counted. Aaron you've been good for 1 day, for 2, for 3, for 4, etc.... etc.... and it went on and on until we were in double numbers
So the healing (prayer) was Monday 7th September and his first tantrum after that was Saturday 19th September. It was like the dregs of the remainder of the darkness. There was another on Sunday 20th September.
Anyway, I don't know if you believe in light and dark, but they are very very real.
The darkness is now gone, gone, gone...
Children are "closer to source" and that is how they need to remain, in order to retain the inner light that they are born with.
We are now into our second month of a vibe of "we've got that loving feeling" [breaks into song, except in this song the loving feeling is back back back instead of gone gone gone] and now all I have to sing is "Hey you with the sad face" [breaks into song again] and Aaron laughs. Thank God he never asks me to sing the whole song as that is the only line I know.
I can't even shout now, as if I even go to raise my voice Aaron looks at me questioningly as if to say "we don't do that anymore". If he sees me struggling with anything he says "Mummy I'll do that" or "You're carrying too many things". Tenderness and love now reign supreme and it is something we are holding onto with both hands.
I am online a lot less as when he watches something he wants us to watch it together. Quality time - which was always present - is now in plentiful supply.
So now I am full circle back to this morning's experience where he looked at the sky and said:
"Mummy I love the earth".
We are both FILLED with love now, as is our relationship and that is SO good for the new soul in my tummy.
With that on my mind, the synchronicity of Rachel sharing this* on Facebook this morning was unbelievable and it reminded me that I SHOULD BLOG ABOUT IT. Aaron's comment this morning could have been long forgotten within a few short hours, but seeing that post on Facebook so soon after returning from the school run, cemented the "in awe" feeling his innocent comment this morning had left me with. I thought I need to share both. The post she shared (link here below) and my experience (above)
Just remember one thing, if you take one thing away from reading this post, from hearing my experience....
Your child shines and glows with an inner light.
It is your job to keep it shining bright
If you love the above video and melody here's another, same song, but with another (different) beautiful collection of imagery showcasing children illuminated: I am the light of my soul.
Harness your inner light and then let it pour over the darkness like a torch. Be a torch for the World and for your children