What Is Your Sangat - Don't Lose it (or yourself) When You Have a Baby

Disclaimer:
If you didn't lose the real you when you gave birth, then this post may not be for you.
If you didn't suffer from post natal depression then this post may not be for you.
If you came here purely to judge, then step away.
If you don't like me being honest, bye!

Okay, who's left?

I had another epiphany - I know, two in one week, it's getting a bit ridiculous.  Maybe I am on a journey of personal self-discovery.

After I wrote my turban post, I at first felt great, after all, the yoga me was meeting the New Mum Online me, but I popped out to get my nails done (I know, not very yogic, but I was on the radio last night).

While I was out I had my epiphany and I thought to myself one of the most dangerous things you can do when being a new mum is be lonely.

It starts off as lonely but when the PND takes root, it becomes an excuse to cut yourself off, exclude yourself, go within, and pretend to yourself that nobody would notice if you ran away.

When you are at the teetering edge of feeling (I don't want to use the word but it begins with a S), it is the most dangerous thing ever to get yourself in a position where you are so solitary that really nobody would notice if you ran away.

With all my family being in Ireland, and the Yoga Teaching coming to a stop at 37 weeks pregnant (after teaching for 6 solid years), it meant I had no sangat. My yoga community was no longer - for me anyway (apart from on Facebook).

And while I was out getting my nails done yesterday afternoon, THAT was the word that popped into my head: sangat.

But you also lose your work connections, your colleagues, when you go on maternity leave.

So, what helped.  Well, last Summer I started going to church every Sunday.  I had been a lapsed Catholic but wanted to get Aaron baptised.  I ended up joining the choir.  I love it.  They all know me.  When I miss a week they worry.  When I come back they ask "where've you been".  When you are a New Mum, who is in danger of isolating herself, you need this.

But, with my sweeping comment about the church yesterday, you'd never know that I go every Sunday.  You'd never know that I LOVE it.  You'd never know that it was one of my many PND cures.  You'd never know that church, and the community I find there truly feeds my soul.

When they make eye contact, I feel like I really am on this Earth after all.  I am a mum but someone still knows who I am.

This is necessary.

But I delved into the old me when I wrote yesterday's post, and the old me knows that Church and Priests are from the Piscean age, and Spirituality is from the Aquarian age.  The former is about doctrine and obedience and the latter is about experience.  I prefer the latter, but the former has a place too.

It really does.

I take for granted that you know the difference between the Piscean and Aquarian Age (I learned it all as part of my Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training), but a great snap shot of the differences are listed on the bright red table here: http://catalystyogi.com/resources/what-is-the-aquarian-age/

Energetically we are no longer built (or hard-wired) to say yes sir, no sir, to the Priest.  In the Aquarian age we are more quizzical and have to personally experience in order to believe.

But I believe, dare I say, that the Church still has a place, or certainly the sense of community (and sangat)  that resides within its walls does.

What do you think?

If you have PND, please don't be alone.

Anyway as well as having my epiphany while I was out, I came back to a comment on my post, that linked to a follow up post, and although Lorraine outwardly doesn't criticise me, she celebrates the church and religion in defense of the fact that I flippantly knocked it yesterday.

I hope this post goes some way towards apologising for that, and showing that I too am a fan of the church, but it will have to move with the times, as we all will.  This is 2012 after all, and there are huge energetic shake-ups occurring and karma to be cleared.

Liska x

Lost At Sea

A healer got rid of my post natal depression a couple of months ago - it really worked!

So I no longer cry at the drop of a hat and I no longer carry a suitcase of issues around with me, and I no longer sleepwalk through life.

BUT I am still lost.  I really am.  A part of me is like a ragdoll that needs washing, drying, and then perhaps a cuddle for good measure.

I really knew this was how I felt due to my holiday in Ireland that I have only just got back from today.  I seemed to need love and affection from my Mum, like my inner child needed a boost.

But also, LATE last night when I should have been sleeping I was reading this, and I related, a little TOO much!

The very very last paragraph made me cry.  The reason for that is CLEAR but I do not want to go into it on this blog.

But what I do know, is that after being on holiday with my baby for TEN days I deserve better than to come home to no milk in the fridge, and bread that looks like THIS (NOT a stock photo - sadly, a photo taken today by yours truly):

The bread that was already in before we left! Lovely!

I think, in fact I know, I deserve better!

Having read that blog post last night, I now know I need to resurface.  Clearing the PND was the beginning not the end.  Now I have the foundations for a new me, but I am only a shell of who and what I was. But it could be exciting.  It could be the chance to put a new body on an old frame!

Having been made redundant on 5th July (2 days before I went to Ireland) I can honestly say, that yes, it means the work me has come to an end, so it adds to my "lost" feeling, but it also adds to the possibility of me building a whole new identity where I seek validation outside of that which my career offers.

I had always used work as the primary source of my boosts, when really they should be supplementary to what I have to offer me.

I spent years working long hours, hiding from the real me, other than when I got a glimpse at yoga retreats and when teaching yoga.

So now my journey begins.

What do I like?
Who do I like?
Where do I go from here?
How will I motivate myself?
Where will I focus my efforts?
How will I rebuild and recharge?

Anyhow, back to that blog post I linked to above.  If you hopped over and have now hopped back, don't you think it is kick-ass writing?

I always knew I wanted to read a few American mummy blogs but this isn't even an old one.  It is only 10 months old and yet already one of the top ones, according to this.

Anyhow, I am going to be widening the realm of the blogs I read.  I need inspiration.

Bye for now,
Liska x

Opening The Door to The Secret that is PND

Hi

I've nearly run away so many times, but I can't run away from myself...

We run from it - sometimes it catches up... on good days we run faster
We hide from it - sometimes it finds us ... on good days we allude it
We deny it - sometimes it makes itself known to others despite our best efforts to be "normal"
We refuse to accept it - sometimes it's our dearest friend as we nurture it like a broken teddy, as we look after ourselves, and our baby

It's worse when we're hungry - so we eat
It's worse when we're tired - so we sleep and sleep and sleep
It's worse when we are lonely so we sleepwalk through the crowds having coffee in cafes, trying to silence the pain whilst being the best friend of a total stranger
It's worse when we are solitary so we go to mass every Sunday
It's worse when we are silent so we sing at mass, sing like nobody is watching, sing like we are auditioning for X factor, sing like God himself is listening, only to us
It's worse when we can't remember who we are, so we do everything to be ourselves on the outside, while crying on the inside

The husband makes it worse not better so we push him away
His distance makes it worse
So we shout
He shouts back
So we cry
He shouts back

So when he touches, we flinch
When he doesn't, we decline
When he is lovely we're suspicious
When he's away, we're alone
When he's here we're alone

There's too much to do, so we do less, not more.
The list of things undone becomes insurmountable
The head rush of tasks too much becomes too much

The sight of jobs not done makes it worse
That makes us do less not more

We're a failure, so we retreat
We sleep, we eat
Life goes passed, really fast

The opportunities for compliments are scarce
The opportunities for criticism abound and are plentiful
Negativity jumps out as if it is larger than life
Negativity now looms larger than life and is noticeable in all its many forms

NOBODY does it right unless we do it ourselves
Nobody hears the hidden words
Nobody hears the hidden truths
Nobody walks in our shoes
Nobody feels what we feel
Nobody looks in our eyes
Nobody notices we don't look in theres

Nobody is me

The people we love, become people we hate
The pain increases; now it is a load that can be justified to be carried
Now it really hurts, now it is a job in itself to carry the load, to nurture the load
Now it is a job
Now it defines us
Now we have meaning
Now we can feel

Now, only now, we could go, silently tip toe away, and nobody would notice
Nobody would care
Everyone's been pushed to the outskirts where it would take them a while to notice that we've gone...

BUT

The baby
Who?
The baby

That one who is so near, you can't see them, because they are part of you.
When you look OUT at the world, they are so close, it's like they are part of you, NOT outside of you.
You can't see them objectively, as something separate, because they are so so so close

Photos help; they show that person, that one that is separate, that one that is adorable, that one that needs you, isn't you

That person, who is the flesh of your flesh.  The one who smiles when you smile, who hurts when you hurt, who blossoms when he hears your voice. That person, who you wouldn't be without. The one who is the source of your pain but also the source of all your joy.  Joy that is too large to even fit in your body, or even your soul.

**************************
It is a brilliant thing that the Boo and Me is doing on her blog (see below).  I found out about it at Michelle Twin Mum's blog, and at the blog of Mammasaurus

Please go here: http://booandme.co.uk/2011/11/25/an-amazing-thing/
Please donate to the charity or buy a raffle ticket - detailed on her blog post.
Please read the posts that she links to at the bottom of her post.
Most importantly, unveil the secret that is PND