New Mum Online: week 2

Monday, 12 March 2012

Inner Truth - Week Two

Welcome to the 2nd week of #InnerTruth. Monday Blog Hop linky if you are on a journey - either soul searching or of a spiritual nature.

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Over to me. Well to kick-start my inner journey I am on a detox. In theory as I started on Saturday 10th March, today is day 3. However both Saturday and Sunday I cheated.

I discovered that it wasn't food cravings or hunger that made me cheat. No!

It was emotions.... we often eat for emotional reasons.

On Saturday I stuck to the detox all morning. I had the quart (2 pints) salt water flush, first thing, which involves drinking water with 2 teaspoons of sea salt in it. I found it surprisingly easy. Despite what all the forums say, I didn't need to hold my nose or use a straw.

Within 4 hours of being up I'd already had 4 x 10oz glasses of "lemonade" but then my husband was taking Aaron to the in-laws and when Aaron said goodbye to me, I had tears in my eyes so he ran back twice to give me extra hugs. When he finally left I sobbed (one reason being that I am currently not speaking to my sister-in-law and it felt like my son was going somewhere that I cannot go - this has been the case since 1st January 2012 yet it took a detox for it to really bother me). It's like there's a part of your tummy area that is more vulnerable if it is not weighted down with food - I can't explain it, but as I used to do a detox every year up until 2006, I recognised the feeling.

Back on Thursday night on the way home from work, I had fancied a bag of crisps, and stopped into the local off license. He was doing 5 bags for a £1 as the date on them was 10th March. I knew I was starting the detox Saturday so I should have ensured I finished them Thursday night and Friday, or got husband to eat some.

Anyway when Aaron left on Saturday afternoon, there were 2 packets left in the cupboard, and the minute the car drove away I shovelled them down me. It was such a strange sensation as I have never binge eaten and never had secret drawers of food but I was eating them like they were contraband.

Anyway in Winter I can't put clothes on the washing line and we don't have a tumble dryer so I did my new trick (that I've been doing a few weeks now) and packed all the laundry for the laundrette. On the way there I needed to go to a shop for 20ps and I never ask for change without buying something - it didn't even enter my head to get a magazine, I bought crisps - monster munch! And ate them whilst reading my kindle, while in the laundrette.

So that was my 3rd bag of the day, on my 1st day of my detox!!!!!!!!!!

When I came back I felt bad so I only had 2 glasses of "lemonade" between that and bedtime. Meaning I had 6 glasses in the whole day. The book says you have to have anything between 6 and 12. I thought I'd be closer to 12. Funny that I had 4 in just the morning and yet finished on 6 in the whole day, but I didn't think I should have more, given my cheating.....

Sugar I just remembered why I didn't have room for anymore lemonade........... errrrrmmmmm hubby had a jar of chocolate spread in the cupboard.......... and I spied it......... and I had TWO slices of brown bread with it on, in the evening. I never have chocolate spread with butter but I had that too! And given it was the first non crisps, non liquid thing I'd had all day, it kept me full for about 6 hours - true what they say about wheat, it was really bloating....

On day 2 I only had 5 glasses of "lemonade", because I cheated again. This time with 2 maple and pecan pastries and again, a bag of crisps.

But today is the 1st day where I am going to try and stick to it. Already I do feel better and despite cheating I do feel like I have suspended my relationship with food.

I feel such a sense of self disgust at cheating that I can't imagine I will anymore.

Also it felt like a control issue... I had to eat those things to show myself I could if I wanted to.... to prove to myself that I don't want to. It's like I want to do this voluntarily and feel where "the edges are". Does that make any sense?

If I can do it for the whole 40 days (they recommend 10, 20 or 40) then I think a lot of emotional issues will come up and I think old issues that are stored at a cellular level will leave my body.

I need to do this. I can do this.

Oh and over the weekend on Sunday, I went back to one of the books I'd abandoned a few weeks ago: "How To Do Everything and Be Happy"(it's £1.99 for Kindle) and I got to the section where I have to make 3 (or more) wishes and I wasn't even able to think, what I really wish for. My mind goes blank. And when I force myself to think of things, they are so mundane.

I think that is how I have got to where I am today. I have no goals, no long-term plans, and no wishes! I don't do the lottery. I don't think big.

Sometimes I only think 1 day ahead, or 1 nappy change ahead, or at the most, a week ahead. I am just on a treadmill, so out of this detox process I really want to unravel myself and get to the inner me and the inner truth, and try and find out what I am all about.

After years and years of doing long hours in all my jobs since University, I don't think I stand still enough to even stop and think, or know myself...

It's sad really as I think I am only leading a half life.

That's me for now......

Liska xxx

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